Yeah so anyway, I was noodling about in my time machine, kind of like a Dr Who in shorts and T-shirt, and without chasing monsters and what not, and I thought there must be a way to bring some of this to you, the people of 2012. Well yeah, and you know, I have the blog in this time period so I might as well use that. Now in order to give you some more context, because you likely won’t believe those opening sentences, lets say a few months ago on Facebook, or one of those social network things, I saw this meme taken from a newspaper article from a hundred years ago, and the interesting “predictions” that it got right. Kind of interesting, check it out. Maybe someone you know wrote it. So I figured it was time for an update. Here is ten things from a hundred years in the future:
- The latest computers which will be called brain noodles, or likely won’t be, will be thousands of times more powerful than todays fitting into something you can barely see in the palm of your hand. In fact it will fit into your hand literally, or in your head, and you’ll communicate with brain waves. You’ll still have to download software updates often, and that will still give some people a headache.
- Having gone through a mammoth energy crisis due to the decline in oil, and not enough initial investment in new energy sources, most electricity will be self generated via home generation. Renewable energy units will be not too dissimilar from “Mr Fusion” in Back to the Future, and do clever things with waste disposal. The majority of the rest of the electricity e.g. street lighting, public transport will also be mostly from renewable resources. The amusing thing is that Diapers (nappies for the UK folks), currently an environmental hazard, will oddly generate the most energy. Especially those with a large present in them. Best feed up that child for more free energy.
- Cars will fly, sort of. No really they will, but they won’t be called cars. It will allow humans to get closer to the atmosphere to drop ozone destroying gasses there. Sort of. Except they won’t run on Gas (Petrol for the UK folks). It will be something else which I don’t want to name for fear of giving the game away. These vehicles will be more fuel efficient, getting a whole 19.578% miles per gallon more than the average car of now.
- Toilet trained cats. No more emptying the cat crapper. If you thought number one on this list sounded impressive, wait until you get a load of how some genius decided he could take no more of his cat dumping a load and not covering it up with that smell stopping litter stuff, YOU HEAR THAT CAT? So he implanted one of those chips into his cat. It could go to the toilet on its own. And even flush the thing. And put on a new toilet roll. And close the bathroom door afterwards. Everyone wanted one, it was like the ipad of cats. You can get an in app purchase, where it will also put the toilet seat down.
- Diapers will bio-degrade with activation by chemicals in faeces or urine. This means you have to recycle them quickly, as in point number two above. Um, probably want to make sure that your child gets a regular change every few hours. Oh how we laughed after that long car journey. Well my wife didn’t, it was her turn to clear it up.
- Life expectancy will be over 100 with medical advances. Older people get even more patronising to us young folk.
- The world will be overpopulated. Well what do you think happens when life expectancy increases? Many people would have died some 30-40 years earlier due to a succession of natural disasters having taken place around the world, thanks in part to how we are happily ignorant to destroying the ozone layer, and generally warming up the world. This sounds contradictory, but the means of feeding people have decreased also, so it is a relative point, and a somewhat depressing one huh?
- Which actually means as a follow on from the previous point, that more foods and vegetables will be home grown due to the overpopulation of the world and the need to be able to sustain more of your own resources. You avoided the flooding, but how good is your high rise place now huh?
- But on a more positive note, for those survivors who can feed themselves, they can still use the internet version 8.9. Oh that’s not the point I meant. Technologies will allow your own body parts to be regrown via your own cells. You could grow a third leg if you want. Most people don’t do that as it doesn’t allow you to run any faster. And um, growing “the other” third leg is unpredictable, sometimes it is larger, but sometimes smaller.
- Music will make a big comeback in peoples lives as the quality will be so good, that the clarity of the instruments being heard give people “funny feelings”. The music of today will sound a bit rough round the edges in comparison. The “youth” will still be listening to “unlistenable nonsense”. The Rolling Stones will still be releasing records. Bob Dylan also, with “the basement tapes 72”.
So there you go. This will be like the a great mayan prophecy to some geek who finds it on the old version of the internet and posts it around on brain noodle book, for his friends to get thirty seconds of amusement out of. Attention spans of the future…. who has them? Anyhoo, I’ve got a robot to chase. Catch you laters…
Lexicon word of the day: gallimaufry.