10 things I shall leave for my son to say (which I will be looking forward to)

I wasn’t sure what to say today, then I realised something. It is the turn of someone else.My son is almost 23 months old. He is at the beginnings of putting words together to form small sentences. Soon he will improve on that and say longer sentences but still not be old enough to understand all the daft social rules we have invented. In short, he will likely say some blunt, or to the point things. Things that most of us probably want to say, but social etiquette prevents us. Here are 10 things I’m looking forward to him being able to say. I’ve given each an “it should be said rating” (ISBS) out of a possible 10, with 10 being the it really ought to be said mark.

You – Guilty…
(image courtesy of Microsoft Clipart)

  1. “That baby is ugly” – Babies are cute aren’t they? Yeah right, some have a face only a mother could love. It’s not the babe’s fault of course, so we don’t say things like “Your baby sure looks funny”, but on occasion wouldn’t it be nice if…
    • ISBS rating: 3/10. It might need saying to the parents, but the baby needs a chance in life, so best give it one.
  2. “Why does that lady smell of soap” – Sometimes old ladies need telling that just because they cannot smell it, doesn’t mean we cannot.
    • ISBS rating: 7/10. Not all who smell of soap need telling. Especially the kind ones.
  3. Why does that man smell of wee?” – Excusing the homeless here, and people with a disability, but other ones. C’mon man, what is going on? Take a wash or something.
    • ISBS rating: 10/10. Unless we’re living in an apocalypse scenario, there is no need for it.
  4. I think that man just farted – Some people let out sneaky ones. Some people need to know that we know about it.
    • ISBS rating: 10/10. Excusing the places where there actually is a strange smell, but first thought is someone left it there, this pretty much needs to be said.
  5. “That car looks nice” – (To a car with painted flames, the equivalent of the old painted “go faster” stripes). You realise these things don’t make the car go faster right? Also real flames on a car would be dangerous.
    • ISBS rating: 6/10. They might look silly to the likes of me, but that is just my tastes. They do look cool right? Er, maybe I should bump the rating up.
  6. “The Wheel of Fortune is great” – Actually my boy really likes this show. It is perfect-ish for someone his age. There are flashing lights, noises, cheering and clapping, letters he can call out. It’s an interactive show for him
    • ISBS Rating: 2/10. The show is passing entertainment for a sane adult. How it has been on over 30 years is anyones guess.
  7. “Why can’t we have chocolate for dinner?” – Actually wifey, who will likely read this, why can’t we have chocolate for dinner?
    • ISBS rating: 3/10. Wifey will say, what is wrong with my cooking, which of course, is nothing dear.
  8. Why does that man have a handbag? – Because it’s a woman.
    • ISBS rating: 5/10. I’m going to be generous and say that it is often not the poor lady’s fault that she doth look like a man. But not all the time. Sometimes it needs to be said.
  9. Why don’t that ladies trousers fit? – You know the thing, big lady, tight leggings, and um, good question?
    • ISBS rating: 10/10. Generally speaking, people have a choice in the wardrobe department. A bad choice, is a bad choice.
  10. Why is that person pushing a cart (shopping trolley) when he / she is not at the shop? – Well I suppose that is a serious question if a homeless person, or a quite valid question of a different kind, if it is a moron pushing a cart home with his / her shopping in it. Some people…
    • ISBS rating: 8/10. We’ll forgive the homeless situation, but the others? These carts aren’t made for you to just take you know. I don’t care if you cannot carry your bl**dy bags home. Tough luck, find a different way, and stop littering our streets.

Why not just take this all the way home?
(Image courtesy of Microsoft Clipart)

Lexicon word of the day: forswear.


37 comments on “10 things I shall leave for my son to say (which I will be looking forward to)

  1. I could not wait for my son and daughter to grow up and have kids and be tortured by them as they were so monstrous to me. I changed their names to subject #1 and subject #2. I’ll allow you to speculate what that means but speculate the worst possible scenarios. They are both 30ish now. Their children are the most delightful little angels in the world. This is no justice in life.

    • Elliot says:

      Well so far my lad is a good kid, so hopefully he will keep that up. I know what you mean though. When I was growing up my parents did “fostering” for a number of years which meant we often had a child or two staying with us for a while due to all different kind of circumstances. I saw some characters that way, I can tell you, although some good ones too.

  2. I do believe the most embarrassing questions kids ask concerns odors. I see you have captured that here! Very funny post.

    • Elliot says:

      Thanks Lynn. Some of these have originated with experiences when I’ve been with other children, others are just things I would like to say. The worst ones will likely be if he catches me swearing and copies it, or I said something naughty about a relative and he recalls it.

  3. Margarita says:

    So, may we soon expect your little one’s Haikus? They’re never too young to train! xoxoM

  4. It’s the unexpected utterances that will kill you, though. My oldest son, when he was about 3 had the idea that only men drove trucks. I have no idea where this came from. Regardless, we got out of our SUV one day at a local store and he saw a woman getting out of the driver’s side of a huge 4-door pick up truck. He looked right at her and said, “Where’s your man?” She was on the rather tough, cowgirl side of life and said, “I ain’t got no man.” I’m trying to pull him away the whole time and he’s going on about that woman driving a truck. I was soooooo embarrassed!!! As far as #7 goes, I highly recommend chocolate gravy and biscuits as a breakfast-for-supper meal some time πŸ™‚

    • Carrie Rubin says:

      Haha! I feel for you, Sheila. Aren’t those situations fun? πŸ˜‰

    • Elliot says:

      That was brilliant, although probably not at the time. I might be able to get away with more being English in the US. I’ll just shake my head to myself and say something like “these three year olds…”. Then they’ll just wonder if it is some weird cultural thing. – Actually I could have some fun with this when he is older.

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    Someday you will hear all these and more. Just you wait!

    I was walking into Target with my 5-year-old nephew once, and we saw a girl in a wheelchair. She had a genetic disorder resulting in very small arms and legs with a prominent torso, so much so that it didn’t appear she even had legs. My nephew called out, “Aunt Carrie! How she do that? Is she magic?” Needless to say I was mortified, but he didn’t know. I took him aside quietly and explained in an age-appropriate manner. Then I prayed we wouldn’t run into her again.

    Out of the mouths of babes…

    • Oh yeah, redheads will get you every time πŸ™‚

    • Elliot says:

      If you had been quick on the draw you could have said “No magic, the wheelchair just uses wheels”, but then who knows what the follow up question would be. – Yeah some scenarios we can only be reacted to at the time. It makes for a funny story later if nothing else.

    • Smaktakula says:

      As a child, I had a similar experience which I related below in my comment. Fortunately for me, although I don’t care for the term “special person” (I think it’s a little patronizing, honestly), the “special person” I spoke to was really a special person.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Yes, I don’t imagine the person is too offended when it’s an innocent child. A kind explanation is usually all that’s needed.

      • Smaktakula says:

        I think they probably SHOULDN’T take offense in that instance,but I have to imagine some people must or we wouldn’t be so damn afraid of our differences.

        Of all the prejudices I’ve had to overcome in my life (no more than anyone else, I suppose), a disregard for little people has never been one of them. I don’t find them funny and I don’t find them freaky, they’re just LITTLE PEOPLE (the caps for emphasis, not anger). I don’t know if that long-ago little dude had anything to do with that attitude, but it couldn’t have hurt.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        I’m sure he did. He took away the mystery and showed you he was a normal guy who just happened to be little.

      • Smaktakula says:

        And I hasten to differentiate ‘little people’ from those merely congenitally short, who are, of course, cursed by a capricious God.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        Well, good to see you draw the line somewhere…

  6. jmmcdowell says:

    And sometimes they say something that leaves you rolling on the floor…. When one boy I knew, shall we say, “discovered himself,” his father had enough one day. Dad told son, “Give it a rest.” Son says, “But, Dad, it’s not tired.”

    I’m not sure Boy knows how many good laughs people got from that!

    • Elliot says:

      That one is brilliant. Sometime the one liners from children are the best, because they fit in with the childs logic / view of the world. I think the son had a pretty reasonable point there, given what he knew.

  7. […] * 10 Things I Shall Leave For My Son to Say […]

  8. rtd14 says:

    I get it, especially Wheel of Fortune! I have not turned it to that channel because any show with loud music my son will be attached too. Everyone’s baby is not pretty. That is why mommies love them. Great blog!

    • Elliot says:

      My lad shouts out letters to wheel of fortune even though he knows nothing about what they mean yet. It is an interactive game for him. I don’t mind him liking it now, and he doesn’t watch the whole show. If he still does when he is older, then I will get worried.

      I cannot wait for him to learn more words, he is already getting some “fun” traits in hiding and trying not to do something, which gives him a big grin, or makes him laugh.

      • rtd14 says:

        My parents watch Jeopardy, and Charles likes the music on that show. Of course he is still learning words and sentences, so he won’t burst out a question in the form of an answer just yet. It is better than a lot of stuff on TV. Anything with music and fire trucks makes him happy.

  9. robincoyle says:

    Good one Elliot! Wheel of Fortune as a teaching tool! Who needs Sesame Street?

  10. Smaktakula says:

    Hey, back to vocabulary words I know (but still a good one). I feel ever-so-slightly less cretinous!

    Kids are very blunt, but sometimes when they run into the right person, who understands them, it can really work out beautifully.

    One of my earliest memories is seeing a little person in a store. He was an older man (although ‘older’ could have meant 40 to me then) with a cowboy hat. I’d never seen an adult who was my size. My mom must’ve been looking the other way or she for sure would have shut me up, but I asked him, “Why are you little?”
    Instead of freaking out, he was very kind. He told me he was born that way. “Do you have a wife?” I asked. He told me he did. “Is she little, too?” No, he patiently told me.

    I cringe a little bit when I think about it, but it was a very good learning experience for me, and it wouldn’t have happened if the little person weren’t in reality a very big man.

    • Elliot says:

      Where I grew up there used to be a “little fella” as he was known locally, who had the opposite approach to children. He would shout, moan, groan, and whatever else he could come up with. Most of the children were scared of him. They likely left him alone, but he didn’t do much to further the cause of people treating him like anyone else. He was like something evil out of a fairy tale.

      When I was a teen and working in my first part time job at a shop which sold all kinds of crap, a bit like a dollar store, There used to be a little woman who must have been in her late fifties, who would occasionally shop there. One time she approached me, carrying some wool, and asked something along the lines of “do you have any free wool. You know, for the little people”. In the interests of fairness and equality, we made her pay like anyone else. Who knows what the local children must have thought of that one.

  11. For some reason you aren’t showing up in my reader, Elliot. It irks me. I may have to temporarily unfollow you and then follow you again to see if that fixes it.

    Kids can get away with saying all kinds of stuff—that will be fun, watching your son spout off those lines. But “Why can’t we have chocolate for dinner” is a fair question for anyone, of any age, to ask.

    • Elliot says:

      Do you mean the wordpress reader or an RSS reader?

      I think I am going to have to watch what I say around him soon as he is starting to copy things I say. Don’t want to many embarrassing things popping out because “my dad said…”.

  12. LOL. I really enjoyed your rating system. I completely agree with #3 and 9. πŸ™‚

  13. Anne says:

    its funny the things kids say, they’re so honest. xoxox

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