The Monday Mess – Pah, Search terms – 4 Feb 2013

searchweb

Humor me here if you will. Try the following Nonet:

The internet is full of knowledge

Of that we can all be so sure

but do I try improve my brain?

check sports scores? or erm, porn?

no, there is another

question to answer

Oh Google

here I

go

And in the spirit of a cheap ass monday post here is some ways the search above found its way to my blog over the last month or two.

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The Monday Mess – When I moan about U.S. food, I moan – 4 Dec 2012

Once upon a time I lived in a quaint old place, old enough to have history. Oh hang on, I opened with this line a few posts ago. Anyhoo, said place wasn’t the greatest place for food until loads of europeans, and people from Bangladesh moved in, bringing good food with them. Spoiled with this, and the Brits ability to make decent snack chocolate, moving to the US provided some, we shall call them “annoyances”.  Your average American who is more tuned into simple, easy to understand food and beverages, like Hamburger, Cola, Burrito and Hamburger just doesn’t see what they are missing. Um I used a variation of that line a few weeks ago also. But joking aside, where I live in Southern California is good for a lot of foods, and most of it good. There is choice and plenty of it. But I am a Brit, and I do need to find something to moan about, because I sure cannot moan about the weather here. Furthermore, my grievance is more to do with snack foods than meal foods, but I kind of liked that intro so I kept it. On the snack front, and using an inappropriate metaphor in line with the introduction, here is a few “choice cuts”:

Avoid this thing or use it as a frisbee.(image courtesy of microsoft clipart)

Avoid this thing or use it as a frisbee.
(image courtesy of microsoft clipart)

  • Pretzels – In one of my sons books, Sesame Street’s Cookie monster is out of cookies and goes on the hunt for some. Big Bird offers him some Pretzels, and rightly so, Cookie monster complains about them being too salty. I always have to add the line “Uurgh, Pretzels are the worlds most overrated snack”. What? Best teach them early eh? Unless they are the tiny pretzels they serve on the Virgin Atlantic flights from Heathrow to LAX, those are the exception to the rule. But otherwise, what a piece of crud. I cannot think of a single redeeming quality on those large ones, having neither good flavour, or texture, and erm, taste. Cover them in chocolate? I say why? I now also say, Big Bird is not to be trusted.
  • Cheese – This is where I know I’ve been out of the UK too long when the cheese is starting to grow on me. We complain the US cheese is tasteless, which it mainly is, but that is because they prefer their cheese to be creamy with a vague hint of cheese. The Brits prefer cheese to taste of something. Sharp cheese in the US. About as sharp as a rubber door stop.
  • Salted Caramel – Me I love caramel and toffee. I f**kin love it. (Thats two “O”s there). Here, what is the obsession with adding salt to it? If I wanted salt I would add it. Caramel is supposed to be sweet. And while we are on the subject, why does toffee always have to arrive with nuts on it? I don’t mind nuts, I would just like some toffee without it from time to time.
  • Fudge – Something else I love but slightly ruined in the US by it adding chocolate to the mix. Now chocolate with many things, except Pretzels obviously, is a good thing. Fudge, it just doesn’t mix like it should. The fudge has its own taste, it can live without chocolate. But then it is also somewhat ruined as described in my next point.
  • Chocolate – Generally speaking, US chocolate is pretty ropey. Hershey chocolate has a slight waxy texture, a slight soapy taste. Licensed Cadbury’s chocolate isn’t bad but not quite the same, I cannot put my finger on why. But it isn’t called chocolate here because of some rule I don’t recall, or have no wish to look up on google, about what ingredients are considered to be chocolate. Still I am addicted to Cadburys Creme eggs, and partial to a bit of the old “fruit and nut”. Oh, Trader Joe’s caramel chocolate bars aren’t bad either.

And this being monday, annoyance in Nonet:

If I were religious, I would ask

for a cheese with a mature taste

or chocolate that does not

taste like washing dishes

or caramel not

been seaside dipped

I’m not. Still

pretzels

no

And that concludes my tongue in cheek wishes for this week.

Have a nice week, and tune in at a later date, for the next brainsplats blog post.

Lexicon word of the day: rollick.

The Monday Mess – Odd English slang part 1 – 26 Nov 2012

Once upon a time I lived in a quaint old place, old enough to have history. The island has a surprising amount of different regional accents, given the size of it, most likely somewhat unintelligible to your average American who is more tuned into simple, easy to understand terms, like Hamburger, Cola, and taxes. Anyhoo, I digress, said place has some interesting slang terms which might sound a bit odd if you’ve never heard them before. Here is a selection:

But what does it mean?
(Click to see)

  • how’s your father – Something I heard my old man say a few times when I was younger, and he was referring to other people. Well hopefully not my mother and him. It means getting your leg over, or er, giving her one, you know, sex. According to the Urban Dictionary its origin can be traced back to several places, but it is basically about covering up the deed with polite language. I would often hear it as a teen in the context of “I think they went for a bit of how’s your father”.
  • “getting your leg over – See above. It’s about having your way with a lady. The phrasing would imply more that it is for a male conversation.
  • “feel a right tit” – Not literally to feel a woman’s right breast, which was once taken that way when I used it to comment on Mr Faulkner’s blog. Or on this T-shirt link here. It is more along the lines of “I felt like a complete idiot” or more slang like “I felt a right idiot”.
  • Taking a slash – Not whipping your knife out, and thrusting it across a smooth surface causing a tear, but actually to whip something else out, no thrusting required, in order to relieve oneself. Yes it means you are off to urinate.
  • “bloody nora” – is one I still like a lot now. Where I grew up you would sometimes hear the variation “Chuffing Nora“. It is used in a situation where something bad is happening but not panic / really awful bad. Like a pile of papers you have stood up three times, slides down again. You deal with it in a relative calmness, like the whole thing is a joke, hence “bloody nora”. You could also use it when someone is asking you to do something for the 15th time as a way to register some annoyance, without making it a big deal, and more of a joke. An interesting explanation on the potential origins of the phrase can be found here.

And this being monday I have to try cram it into some form of poetry. This week Nonet:

Bloody nora! I felt a right tit

Looked at her, said How’s your father?

she said he’s in hospital

that aint good then, said I

no leg over then

so off I went

to take a

big long

slash

And that concludes a short story of a caring individual. Well I crammed all the phrases in so “jobs a good un”

Have a nice week, and tune in somewhen further down it for the next brainsplats blog post.

Lexicon word of the day: ameliorate.

The Monday Mess – Mysteries of Monday revealed – 12 Nov 2012

(Image courtesy of Microsoft Clip Art)

Once upon a time a music fan called Elliot, would look forward to Mondays because that was the day new music came out. He could wander down the local music store, and browse the new single and album releases. It was fun, at least for a music fan. Now most of these stores have closed, and he moved to the US where for seemingly inexplicable reasons, music comes out on a Tuesday. Monday you have a lot to answer for. Sadly that is not your only crime. I believe you are responsible for the following mysteries:

    • Why Mondays are depressing – Because it is the start of the working week for most people. Time stuck in an office, time stuck in a factory, time stuck in a shop, time stuck some place. See where I’m going? Sure you pay the bills, but wouldn’t you much rather be at home crashed out on the couch eating chocolate and watching the best that cable tv has to offer? For my writing friends, you can replace that last bit about the couch with “sat at a desk, staring at a laptop screen, tapping away at the keys worrying about word counts”.
    • Why Monday is too tired – You spend weekend with your family or friends, or doing something interesting or fun, trying to put off the fact that Monday is coming. You expend too much energy, and / or get too little sleep. Or your couple of days on the sofa is over. Time to get up and do something again. But you just don’t want to…
    • Why Monday is too long to the weekend – Assuming you work the standard Monday to Friday, or maybe even including Saturday, Monday is the furthest point from your time off doing something you want to. Unless you prefer being at work to being not at work, in which case, you need to take a serious look at your life.
    • Why monday is responsible for your life disappearing – Because you spend all week waiting for the week to fly by so you can enjoy the weekend. Then the weekend moves even faster. So the cycle starts again. Before you know it, you woke up in March thinking it will be Easter soon, and actually its almost Christmas. Your child, just a few months old is now almost two. You are wondering where your life has gone. Then it’s Monday and you want to see the weekend again.

You would think I don’t like my job wouldn’t you? Actually it is not bad, but would I still rather be at home with wifey and child? Answer: Watch out for Monday. If you look over your right shoulder, it is there at the back somewhere sniggering at you.

Nonet, Tanka? This week “Monday” in three Haiku

Poke me in the eye
or prod me with a sharp stick
please not be Monday

Where once we were young
we were never growing old
then Monday did come

The finger beckons
new musical gift for me
lost in sands of time

Although on the other hand, it does bring with it the Monday mess.

Have a nice week, and tune in somewhen further down it for the next brainsplats blog post.

Lexicon word of the day: Quincunx.

A blogging Holiday

(Image Source: Microsoft Clip art)

Yup, that sign is about to be me, although it might be a tiny bit longer than your average lunch break. I don’t need a break as such, but outside factors are dictating that a small break is required. Regular readers will be aware that I have a new paying job, and pretty much a new routine to go with it. It is sucking up a lot of my time and likely will do for the next week or two. Well actually it will continue to suck up a lot of time, but hopefully less in a week or two once I have a more settled routine, and a few technological changes give me a bit more internet access.

Often I will write some posts ahead of time (usually not the Monday one’s obviously), but I haven’t had much chance to do that. That is a shame as I have a few ideas ready. Some of them actually good ones.

So with that in mind, I am taking a blogging break with the intention of being back on Monday 24th September. I may blog sooner, but possibly not. It will also mean I won’t have much time to read your blogs, having less internet availability will tend to do that, but I shall try dip in from time to time over the period. On the plus side, you have one less blog to read for a week or two, saving you some small amount of time also.

So till then, have fun, and keep the blog flag flying.

Elliot

Lexicon word of the day: Iterative.